Something sad for a shitty day
March...the month when I lost someone very dear to me. There are some days when it feels as if it were yesterday when I got the phone call about what he'd done. And some days when it does feel as if all of these years have passed. I had no idea that he was in trouble, because he never told me. And when I did find out, it was too late. I punished myself for a long time over that, thinking that I somehow should have known. It's taken me years to understand that I can't know what wasn't spoken about, or what he wanted hidden from me. And yet, just a few words can still make me feel guilty over not knowing something I was never told about. Most years, I cry on the day Kurt died, but not this year. This year the tears waited for today.

Anyway, this is a poem that I wrote for Kurt years after his death:


I sit and watch while clouds float by
Fast moving puffs of white illuminated in the dark sky.

On the radio the Chi-Lites ask “Have you seen her?”
Sadly reminding me of a friend long gone yet still so dear.
One who died by his own hands not so long ago.
I think of him often, mostly at night when the stars put on a show.

I remember a night, many years gone by
we had both been drinking and we lay back on the wet grass
to watch the starry lights blinking.

The promise of a young life never to be realized.
Promises he made to me, promises turned to lies.

There was no lie more painful, no lie so bold
As when I stood by his body limp, lifeless and cold.
As cold as the moon up in the dark sky
Playing hide and seek with clouds going by.

In a few nights the Earth will turn and the sky will be all black.
As is that corner of my heart that knows Kurt will not come back
And despite how much I still love him, I will forever hate him for leaving me.